missing her

Lately, I have found myself missing Rhonda. This isn't uncommon for me, or any of us; random things will remind us of her and then the ball just seems to roll. I'm not sure what has triggered it, it could be a lot of things; accomplishments at school for Cadynce, my kids growing, birthdays, new babies, stress at work, baseball season.
What I do know, is that missing her makes me remember why it was/is so hard for me. My mom and I aren't close. Never have been, probably never will be. We dont' have that mother-daughter bond. Growing up, I can remember seeing my girlfriends with their moms and how close they were, wondering what it would be like, wondering how it would feel to want your mom to go prom dress shopping with you and to be there when you got ready, rather than feeling the extreme opposite. I got used to it, and it was never really a big deal. Until now. Now, I have a little girl, and find that I worry that I wont have that bond with her because I was never raised that way... is something missing? Will I figure it out?

I know this is why I never wanted a girl. (not that I don't love her to pieces.) I don't want our lives to be that way. I want to have an open and loving relationship. I want (need) her to want me with her when she goes dress shopping and to value my opinion. Even though I dread taking her, I still want to be wanted.

Anyhoo, I guess Rhonda just made me feel like I had that mom, for a while anyways...

Bite Me (as taken from my Facebook status)

Or actually it said: Bite me, World. Go pick on someone your own size. And that is exactly how I feel. I'm so frustrated, sad, hurt.. oh I could go on. My world feels like it's in shambles, but what's funny is that none of it is directly happening to me.
Tomorrow (July 29Th) is/would be Rhonda's Birthday. These last few weeks have really gotten to me about that. There is the annual Silvana Fair that she's been a part of forever. This year they are dedicating the fair to her and all these people are putting pictures up. A good friend of Mike and Rhonda's brought in all the pictures last week and I totally broke down when she showed me them. In turn, I feel guilty when I get sad about her... especially in front of the boys, or Mike. Like it's not for me to be sad over, even though I know it isn't true... I just don't want to burden them with that too.
To make matters worse, little Shawn, remember him from here, has came out of remission. We found out on Friday that his cancer has returned and that his numbers make the chances of curing him look "not good."
Our good friends Justin and Lacey Knowles' son Kelan has also been fighting cancer, and I can't remember if I've mentioned him or not...he has been battling a few months. We got discouraging news today that his tumor has grown despite the chemotherapy. He will begin chemo again on Friday for 2 rounds, then a CT and probably surgery to remove some of the tumor.
Don't get me wrong here people, at least regarding these 2 amazing little boys, I have faith, and I have hope...and I pray that they will be cured. But I do seem to have a tendency to doubt the higher ups during moments like these because it is so ridiculously unfair that anyone should have to go through all of this, let alone 2
little boys who havn't even begun to live their lives.
I guess, there's my rant for the day. Sorry I can't seem to conjure up something happy or mood lifting for you all...




Shawn at Easter


Me and Kelan, his first weekend at Children's Hospital.

Rhonda Update.

We have a really rough weekend, just when I thought things were going to start getting easier: BAM! Not the case. Boy, somebody had me fooled. So, I had a really nasty cold for the last couple of weeks which made it especially tough on me because I couldn't go see Rhonda. Talking to her on the phone just isn't the same. Anyways, we thought we were in the clear, but then Friday we went to get flu shots and by the afternoon Camden had a fever. His low fever turned into a high fever. I had a photography class with Sarah scheduled for Saturday and I'd been looking so forward to that. Mike was going to watch the kids, but we can't take that chance when the kids have fevers. So, Mike went to work and Colby came home. While I was at the class, Colby took Cam to the walk-in all for them to tell us to take him home and watch him. Then by Saturday night Colby was taking Cam to the ER for an ear infection and upper respiratory infection. Borderline croup, but they wouldn't treat for that, YET. PLUS, Friday night we got a call at 3 in the morning from Mike, Colby needed to go help him get Grandma K up, who had fallen down. Sunday am brought another trip to the ER for Cam because of the croup. You could hear the poor guy wheezing from across the room. Finally no fever though. So, now that Cam is full medicated and starting to feel better, Cadynce also has a cold. I'm over mine, almost; and Colby is just getting it.
Phone rings at 930 last night. It's Mike. He's taking Rhonda down to the ER at the U. She's been really hurting and has had a fever or 103.5. Since she started radiation a few weeks ago, the fever has been the norm, but they couldn't get it to go down and that's too high for a cancer patient. Plus, she was refusing to eat, even though she was drinking it just wasn't enough. She's dehydrated, and when Mike called at 630 this am to update us they were already on fluid bag # 3. He said after about 1/2 way into the 1st one she was coming around again. Still now clue as to why the fever. Hopefully we will have some answers by the end of the day. We've been told that she's too weak to return home without full time care. So, it's a nursing home or home care. I'm thinking we are going for home care with family filling in the blanks. We'll see what the next few days bring...

Cancer Schmancer

I just thought I would try and give you all a little update on Rhonda. I can't remember what the last was I told you all, so if you're confused or if I left something out, just ask. So...the oral chemo that they had switched her to for the tumors that reappeared under her arm, isn't doing jack s#%t. Her white blood cell count is too low and she is struggling to stay healthy. Last week she went in for a check up and the tumors had grown and are adhering to her breast bone. They pulled her off of the oral chemos and she will go back on an iv chemo starting next week I think. In a nutshell, what this all means is, they are running out of tricks... a friend of mines mom has cancer also and just got accepted into this clinical trial for a new type of cancer treatment, it's biological instead of chemical. Called ET-743. I'm trying to get some more info on it so Rhonda can take it to her oncologist to see if it's something worth trying. Although I feel like the doctors don't always look outside the box: I don't understand why the doctor isn't willing to say, I've used up all I got, now let's find someone who has some other ideas...they want all the credit to themselves. Ugh.