12.20.2010

Can you believe that 2010 is already almost over?! I can't. I'm not sure where the year has gone; I'm pretty certain that anyone with kids feels the same way.


We've had so much to be thankful for this year and yet we've also had so much grief that it's hard to figure out which one outweighs the other. I'm pretty sure the good outweighs the bad, but sometimes it's not easy to remember that. This year, I've spent a good portion of it being crabby, unhappy, impatient, and downright angry. Don't get me wrong, there has been some good times too . . . I've got to find a way to get back to being me. The me where the smiles come easy and natural and is there all the time - people used to call me smiley. I can't remember the last time that happened. I used to enjoy going to work, for lots of reasons; seeing people, getting a break from the kids, feeling useful and competent. Now, I dread it, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I'm short fused with the kids and that leads to feeling guilty about being a horrible mommy. Yada, yada, yada...


Recently, my friend Jana (who I grew up with on Lopez and havn't seen in years) sent me a book - A Life Lost...and found and I think I need to start reading it. When she told me she was sending it, I was so excited on so many different levels. One, I love getting prizes (especially in the mail). Two, I love to read. Three, Oh emm gee, someone else knows what I'm feeling like and recognized this and is sending me something to help! Four, well, I can't remember what Four is right now, but anyhow...I was really excited to dive right in. And then I didn't. I don't know why. Maybe because it's easier to keep burying whatever is going on...?


I really blew my "new year's resolutions" for this year. I mean, really blew it. Um they're right here if you want to re-read them. And I don't think I accomplished one of them. Nope, not a one. So, here's to the end of 2010 --- me laying it all out there, I sucked in 2010.


I'm moving onward and upward though. Here's my TO-DO List and my NOT SO NEW Year's Resolutions:


1. Join the gym.
I'm going to get up and go to the gym in the morning before my kids are up. This way, there's not mommy guilt for being gone. No more excuses. And honestly, I think this will fix a lot of my problems. I feel so much better when I'm exercising.


2. Pay off the bills.


For now, I'm going to start with these...going to get back on track. One day at a time.

christmas frenzy

we decided that we would try and do better this year, spread out our Christmas shopping, start a little sooner, buy a little less for everyone. yeah, that worked well... we're now in the countdown to Christmas and in a frenzy!
here we are in the midst of crazy Christmas-ness thoroughly enjoying our insanity; there is a certain kind of bliss that comes with searching every store to find the perfect gifts for the people you love. i even went shopping on black Friday! (aaah, crazy i know, right?) anyhow, here we are, mid Christmas bliss -- and we are rudely snapped back into reality, a reality that we don't like, and thought, maybe just maybe we were through with... done, fini, over. fat chance.
the day before thanksgiving, grandpa Ben(mike's dad) had surgery to remove a mass that was pushing on his bladder causing a lot of problems....Wednesday was their follow up appointment with the doctor. the results were bad. do i have to even say it? i guess ... saying it makes it real, and it is so here goes: he has cancer. a very aggressive cancer. the doctor feels he's not strong enough to survive a surgery, not to mention all the complications that go along with surgery for grandpa like he'd have to go off his blood thinners which puts him back up in stroke territory, and yet, the doctor also feels he's probably not strong enough to do chemo...


so here we are once again, thrown back into this -- it's looming there over us, like a big black storm cloud...


what happened to my Christmas bliss?



halloween.2010. great grandpa bed and kiddos.